To the most obnoxious man I don’t know

To you in the blue body suit at hot yoga:

Maybe you’re just a figment of my imagination that I’m creating in order to torture myself, but I don’t think that’s the case since I’ve seen people talk to you. Even if I told you how much i dislike you to your face, you wouldn’t hear me because you’re too wrapped up in your ridiculous image. I need to get this off my chest, because very few things actually make me angry. I want you to know that you really bother me for the following reasons:

  • You don’t NEED to start your own one man show 20 minutes before class starts with the most suggestive yoga poses & body gyrations(think: thrusting, dangling bits, etc.) . You are an attention whore. Everyone is already looking at you in their periphs** because of what you are wearing(hell, I know I am).
  • Yoga is me-time. All the time is me time, but yoga is especially me-time because I take exercise seriously. You are distracting me and depriving me of the ability to focus and clear my head. More importantly, I am a happy person and you are yanking the corners of that smile down…down…down.
  • I know you know it’s a sheer body suit and you know I can see your black thong. You’re not fooling me. We’re all getting up close and personal here in class, getting into situations where our noses are in between each others butt-cheeks. Have respect for thy neighbor, bitch!
  • Body suits are for Olympians and other people of that nature. Not middle-aged, hairy, bald, sloppy ,pot-bellied men.
  • Am I taking crazy pills? Why doesn’t anybody else seem to be as annoyed with you as I am? I just need a miniature nod from one other person in class who understands me but I never get it!! I’ve had it up to here* with pretending to accept you. I feel so alone. How can no one else be as furious as I am?

OK on that last note, let’s get a laugh in (no, not you, blue man!):

Ha ha…geeze, being angry is tiring, sort of boring. But, I must finish. Eckk Ehmmm – I know that yoga is supposed to be a supportive and accepting environment through and through but you are totally taking advantage of that in order to flaunt yourself. Do you wear that outfit to pick your children up from school? Do you?? I do believe in self expression and I am totally down with funky shock-value outfits, but in class I’m trying to do my thing. It’s not a place to show off every crevice of our bodies; it’s a place to do some inward thinking and improve ourselves from the inside out. Honestly, you make me a worse person. For the love of my hot body, please cover up.

Crappy Regards,

Val

* bad place where I freak out and throw a BF (bitch-fit)

**peripheral vision

Advertisements

3 comments

  1. hahahaha this post is pretty much AMAZING. and thank you so much for the fitness advice!
    http://www.clarabelleblog.com

    1. no prob – I hope you’ll try it out, just don’t get stuck next to this blue monster

  2. I would’ve given you the miniature nod. For sure. Right on.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: